There are times, though, where I end the day discouraged and in tears. I have not been the mother (or the wife) that I wanted to be that day....and sometimes that is a large understatement. Most of the time I can brush myself off, apologize to my kids and say that tomorrow is another day and I will do better. Some nights I let my fears get the best of me and sink into despair. I love my children- I just want to be a good mother! (I am beginning to realize that we are all crying the same thing. Right???)
When those times get dark, I start to think thoughts like: I have no business being a mother, my children deserve better and that I am making huge mistakes that will impact them forever. These fears are rooted in pains of the past- in a place where I honestly believe that I am inferior to other women. I can't do what they do and it does not come easily to me. I have to work so hard...and everyone else is just good. In these places in my mind I lose sight of who I am. Not just who I am now, but who I have the potential to become. Who I am meant to become. Who I can become, with help.
Well...now that we are all depressed...I am not one to sit on my hands. When I am feeling down I allow myself the necessary time to wallow but eventually I say to myself, "So? What are you going to DO about it?" You had a bad day. What are you going to do to make tomorrow better? How will you get out of this rut? How can you ensure that you end the day feeling that you did enough- and that has nothing to do with accomplishments- but that you have been the mother that you want to be.
THEN...I typically pray to ask for strength and courage. I follow with a fervent search amongst scriptures, LDS talks, self-help and parenting books etc etc etc. I always find words of wisdom and love that speak peace to my heart. I find ways to help myself be better and ways to help my children through whatever struggle they are having. (Most often- the best way to help them with their problem is to make a change in me.) I always find sources that bless my life for the coming weeks and months and I think to myself, "I must always remember this." And then I continue in my life as a mother of young children- really 'in the thick of it' over here- and because some days I can scarcely remember my name, I frequently forget these valuable messages.
And so- I give myself a place to PUT it all. On the internet, where I cannot lose or throw away. And a place that makes sharing easy. Because it's not easy being mom. It takes work and effort and persistence to love the life that you lead. Moms love their children and never wish to go back, of course, but each month and year that passes brings reason for new learning and problem solving. And then you have another child, but ah! This one is completely different and you are learning all over again. The lessons that my children are teaching me? Beautiful, amazing, mind-blowing. That is why it is so important to keep my life in balance and to take care of me so that I can give to them the best me.
What is helping me? What is helping you? Here it is.
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