A woman in my community said this in a talk last Sunday and it really sunk in with me verbally and visually. I hate anger. It comes on so quickly for me like a large cloud of smoke exploding out of a fire. You can see it, smell it, taste it. It is overwhelming and can consume all in it's path. To dissipate means to scatter in various directions; disperse; dispel. A loving response to my own anger scatters that smoke in all directions until it is spread so thin that I can barely feel it. It may still be present in me but I can see through it, see the underlying cause.
Recently when my son (age 6) starts to see that I am getting irritated he reacts in love to try to help me. Sometimes, of course, he notices that I am getting mad and just tries to avoid an argument by doing what it is he should be doing, sometimes he responds in annoyance back to me but some beautiful times he will run to me and say, "hug!! Hug! Hug!" He clings to me for a second until I embrace him back and he can literally feel the tension leaving my body. What a gift this response is!
The response of love helps me to forgive myself for losing my cool when I was trying so hard to maintain it. The response of love makes me want to apologize and be better. The response of love lets me know that I am forgiven and cared for. The response of love lets me know that I am not expected to be perfect in order to be deserving of love. The response of love reminds me that when I make mistakes, there are arms there willing and waiting to catch me. The response of love tells me that I am a good person. The response of love gives me hope and urges me to keep trying. The loving response breathes of forgiveness, acceptance, understanding. The response of love is empowering!
I have blessed my children with my short-fused temper....and this is not really a blessing. It now becomes my duty to help them recognize when they are losing their cool, help them learn to calm down and how to cope with their emotions when they become angry. It becomes my job to maintain peace in our home and help them find peace in their own hearts. It is my responsibility to help myself maintain anger so that I can teach them that it is possible. I can show them that I understand and that everyone loses their temper sometimes. I want to use a loving response to empower them rather than deflate them with feeling of guilt and disappointment. I want to remind me them that they are good people and that I still see them for all that they are and all that they can be. I want to teach them clearly that they are not the mistakes they make- they are people that can overcome their mistakes. I want to remind them that they are loved when they need to feel love the most.
This is easier said than done as one person's anger or bad choices often leads to your own impatience, right? I try to remember these words in those times:
A loving response tends to dissipate anger.
Isn't that what we want? To watch that ugly anger scatter and float away?
This is a great article: Helping Your Child With Anger
It addresses what is normal, why and how children express anger and some do's and don'ts for helping them.
To get a bit personal, I grew up in a situation where there was abandonment and abuse and my siblings and I all have some sort of issue with anger. Anger was not handled in a healthy way in our environment. I feel like one sibling in particular was made to feel as if there was something wrong with them for their unhealthy reactions to anger. I think about this sibling often when I watch my son in particular (he is very sensitive and his tender feelings often lead to a quick temper.) What this sibling needed and deserved was love and reassurance along with firm boundaries and mature guidance. I can't change the past but I can move forward in my own family offering those things that can help my own children.
What I love about helping my children with a loving response to anger is that I cannot reach out to them with love, hope and reassurance without feeling all of those things spill into my own life and struggles. Extending love and understanding to others brings us all hope and healing.
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